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Men's Night On The Mountain
At long last, Harold is invited to spend a night out with Red and his pals. But Harold doesn't think much of the experience. Cast (in order of appearance): , , , , , , , , , Segments: The Possum Lodge Word Game, Red's Campfire Songs, Talking Animals, Handyman Corner, That's What Friends Are For, Red's Visits with Possum Lodge Members, Red's Handyman Tips, Adventures With Bill, The Experts DVD: Red Green: Stuffed and Mounted, Vol. 2 DVD Commentary by Steve Smith STEVE SMITH: "Men's Night On the Mountain" was actually the very first episode of our fifth season up here in Canada. And the thing that stands out for me about this one is, uh, Graham Greene, certainly an accomplished dramatic actor. I met him at a, uh... I met him at an industry function, and he had seen The Red Green Show somewhere. I mean, on an airplane or an airport waiting area. Somewhere! Anyway... And he just thought it was so weird that he just wanted to be on it. He said, "What do I have to do to be on your show?" I said, "Well, you've just done it." So we created the Edgar K.B. Montrose character. And one the very first appearances by Graham was in this one, in this episode. And, uh, we knew that, uh... Everybody knows that Graham had been nominated for an Oscar in the movie Dances With Wolves. So we wanted to have a little bit of fun with that and let him have some fun with himself. So we did a little Experts segment based on the movies of today. Well, you'll see how it turned out. Transcript {Text appears on screen: "Women accept what they are. Men have to prove it." A chainsaw revving up is heard.} Intro HAROLD GREEN: It's The New Red Green Show! {"Men's Night On the Mountain" appears} And now, here's the man who says "Stop the world, I want to get a hot dog," your host, my uncle, Red GREEEEEeeeEEEEeeeEEEEeeeEEeeeEEeennnnn!!!! {While speaking, Harold points to the front door of the lodge, which opens and Red enters, waving to the audience, who cheers. Red wears a big backpack on his back.} RED GREEN: {waving} Thank you very much. Thanks for coming. Boy, this is an exciting, exciting time {rubs hands together} at Possum Lodge this week, because tonight {holds up both index fingers} is men's night on the mountain! HAROLD GREEN: Has anybody told the mountain? RED GREEN: {waving dismissively} Ah, don't listen to him. I'll tell ya, this is a fantastic time. This is a time to kinda cut loose. We forget all about our responsibilities and all our cares and we got right up the mountain. Real old tradition in this area; dates back hundreds of years ago. Well, in the spring, you know, men would go up on top there and they watch out over the rivers to make sure that there was no flooding, you know, from the spring runoff and so on. And there's also, I gotta be honest with you, there's a male bonding site to it. It's an awful lot of fun. It's just... men up on the mountain looking out over a raging river. HAROLD GREEN: Boy! So it's like a bunch of you guys sitting up on Rock Reef Point staring down at Mercury Creek? {laughs; points right index finger into his left hand fingers while saying to audience:} Not a real mountain, not a real river, not real men. {laughs again} RED GREEN: Well, alright, Harold, if it's not real men, I guess you'll be able to come. HAROLD GREEN: {surprised} Really? Yeah, really? I can go? Yeah? {laughs} Well, you know, okay, all right! You know, alright, I guess my usual disdain for your, you know, destructive, testosterone-induced craziness is... seems to be overridden by my incredible desire to be accepted by the group. RED GREEN: {strapping a sleeping bag to Harold's back} Maybe you are a real man. Title sequence {The New Red Green Show intro plays. Cut to a shot of Garth stumbling over towards Red, clutching at his throat and pointing to his mouth, as though choking on something. Red, meanwhile, is looking into a paper bag.} RED GREEN: {voiceover} Hey, we got some new stuff to show you: Garth Harble, animal control officer, new guy at the lodge! {Cut to Red swinging an axe at a shopping cart full of snacks.} RED GREEN: {voiceover} I'm gonna make something out of a shopping cart. {Cut to the Possum Lodge Word Game in progress. Dalton is the contestant and the word is "Sensitive".} RED GREEN: {voiceover} We got a new game called "Two On a Match" I think you're gonna enjoy. {Cut to Red and Edgar sitting on a couch together. Edgar says something and then throws up his arms in the air.} RED GREEN: {voiceover} And don't forget, it's men's night on the mountain! Plot Segment 2 {The front door of the lodge opens and Red enters, slightly bent over in pain. He groans.} RED GREEN: Well, I'll tell ya, men's night on the mountain was a huge success as usual. A little hard on the back, but I'm not as young as I used to be. Just had the one incident, really. Uh, Harold, unfortunately, fell off the cliff wearing my backpack. {grins} Boy, I was afraid there was going to be some serious injuries there; we were laughing that hard. {Harold then enters the lodge, walking awkwardly and uneasily, struggling to keep balance. His wears Red's backpack on his back. The pack is covered in tree branches.} RED GREEN: {waving Harold over} Come on in. {Harold stumbles over close to his uncle} Well, did you have a good time there, young fella? HAROLD GREEN: {angrily} No! I had the worst time of my life! {takes backpack off, leaving a tree branch sticking out of his pants} RED GREEN: Oh, come on, Harold. Doesn't get any better than this, eh? This is our one night to go crazy there. HAROLD GREEN: Crazy?! RED GREEN: Yeah. HAROLD GREEN: It was boring! RED GREEN: {suddenly looking concerned} Boring? HAROLD GREEN: {exasperated} Boring, boring, boring! RED GREEN: What're you talking about? HAROLD GREEN: Okay, we gone about twelve feet up the hill and everybody else was too tired to go any further. Buster Hadfield had to go home and get his medication. No one else could get the fire lit. RED GREEN: Well, spring runoff– HAROLD GREEN: {exasperatedly shaking his head around} Spring runoff, spring runoff! Yeah, yeah, spring runoff! RED GREEN: Everything's wet! HAROLD GREEN: No, everything's not wet! {pulls tree branch out of his pants} It was just so boring, it was incredibly terrible out there. Everybody was complaining all the time! {sarcastically} "Oh, it's too dark!" "It's too damp!" "I got a soaker!" Come on! {Red looks disappointed} Moose Thompson– Moose Thompson ask– was asking everybody if they brought an {sarcastic tone} extra sweater! {Red stares} It was boring, it was incredible. No dirty jokes, no scary stories, just a bunch of middle-aged fat guys sitting around a dead fire on hemorrhoid cushions. I'm sorry, Uncle Red, but you always say, "Tell me what's on your mind." RED GREEN: No, I don't, I say, "Tell me what's wrong with your mind." Adventures With Bill Teaser The Possum Lodge Word Game {Harold walks up to Red and Dalton Humphrey at the card table, holding the word sign.} HAROLD GREEN: Okie-dokie, this is the big one! For a free wash and hot wax at Larry's Barber Shop! Uncle Red, you have 30 seconds to get Mr. Humphrey to say this word... {holds up a sign that says "Sensitive" and mouths the word} Thirty seconds, and go. RED GREEN: All right, uh, aware. DALTON HUMPHREY: Sober. RED GREEN: Touchy. DALTON HUMPHREY: Feely. RED GREEN: Touchy-feely. DALTON HUMPHREY: Richard Simmons? RED GREEN: Compared to you, your wife is more... DALTON HUMPHREY: ...overweight. RED GREEN: Emotionally, she's more... DALTON HUMPHREY: ...weepy– weepy– She's weepy! RED GREEN: No, no, no, no, no, I'm saying, she notices things more, because she's... DALTON HUMPHREY: ...picky. HAROLD GREEN: You're almost out of time. Uncle Red! RED GREEN: Alright, alright, Dalton! Oh, Dalton, you would never say to your wife that she's picky, overweight or weepy, because... DALTON HUMPHREY: {perplexed} Castration? {Red shakes his head in frustration. Then he gets an idea.} RED GREEN: Alright, alright, alright, alright, okay. Dalton, the vertical hold on your television set... DALTON HUMPHREY: Sensitive. {Red rings the bell to end the game.} Red's Campfire Song {Red plays guitar, while Harold clicks two spoons together.} RED GREEN: {singing} :Oh, Duffy's joints, (?) and loud, :Is where they all were breaking. :He twisted his knuckles and cracked his knees. :He sounded like a popcorn maker. :He snapped his back and rippled his spine, :And did it all with a big stupid grin. :Then he slipped and fell 300 feet on a rock, :And that was the last crack we heard from him. Talking Animals {Garth Harble stands outside his house, holding a long, plastic tube over a hole in the ground.} GARTH HARBLE: Garth Harble here, {salutes} animal control, with a tip on how to deal with a common household pest. Speaking of which, {looks offscreen} come on in here, Red! {laughs} RED GREEN: {walking up} Very funny. Oh, Garth! You got no serious injury today. Slow week, huh? GARTH HARBLE: Well, uh, see, Red, uh... I've taken sick leave. RED GREEN: Oh. GARTH HARBLE: Yeah, yeah. After that spider bite, I started falling down all over the place. Why, I... Well, I managed to flatten a little parakeet. {nods} When the boss found out, he sent me home for the week. {shakes his head} Poor little parakeet. RED GREEN: Yep. {Garth sighs and puts his hand on his head} You have a tip for us at all? GARTH HARBLE: Huh? RED GREEN: You have a tip for us at all today, Garth? GARTH HARBLE: {brightening up} Oh, oh, yes, yes! RED GREEN: Alright. GARTH HARBLE: Red, you know what a vole is? RED GREEN: A vole? Yes, I do. {places index finger and thumb close together} It's like a little mouse, I believe. GARTH HARBLE: Well, sort of. RED GREEN: Yeah. GARTH HARBLE: Except that the vole hides under your lawn. And don't you know, he eats the roots of your grass and– and– and your plants. RED GREEN: Oh, yeah. {The camera pulls back to reveal a paper bag upside-down over another hole in the ground.} GARTH HARBLE: So what I've done, I've located the– two entrances into the vole's tunnel. And I shove a paper bag into the first hole. RED GREEN: {bends down; sees paper bag} Oh, yeah, I see that. GARTH HARBLE: {points at tube he holds} And into this second hole, I've got this, uh, plastic tubee. RED GREEN: Sure, yeah. GARTH HARBLE: Now what do you suppose I do next? RED GREEN: Well, I would think you'd pump in the methane at this point. GARTH HARBLE: {stares} I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that, Red. RED GREEN: Oh. GARTH HARBLE: No! I don't do that! RED GREEN: Alright. GARTH HARBLE: No, I'm gonna blow very hard into this plastic tubee, so hard that the vole is gonna pop out the other side, into that plastic bag. Isn't that great? RED GREEN: Well, now, that is great. {Garth laughs} That is great. GARTH HARBLE: {points to bag} Alright now, you run over there. And when I– And when that vole comes out, why, you snatch him. {Red walks up to the hole with the paper bag over it.} RED GREEN: Hey, this is fun. Vole snatching could really catch on at the lodge. GARTH HARBLE: Really? RED GREEN: Maybe. All right. Blow away there, Garth! GARTH HARBLE: Alright, we'll give her a blast! RED GREEN: Alright. {Garth blows really hard into the plastic tube he holds. His blowing goes through the hole. The paper bag, which was once deflated, suddenly bulges out as a squeaking vole appears inside it. Red then stomps down hard on the vole in the paper bag. He stomps so hard that the vole goes shooting back down through the hole and up through the tube. Garth suddenly gasps as the vole suddenly goes through his mouth. He clutches at his throat. Red doesn't notice, however. He only notices that the paper bag is deflated again. He picks up the bag and looks at it. All the while, Garth is now stumbling around, holding his throat and gasping for breath. He stumbles over to Red, who looks into the paper bag.} RED GREEN: Nope. You must have it, Garth. {Garth, gasping for breath, gestures toward his throat and mouth} What? Oh! {Red slaps Garth on the back, jerking Garth slightly. Garth gasps again and stands there motionless. Red looks into the paper bag again.} RED GREEN: This is fun. GARTH HARBLE: {gasping for breath} Oh, boy! Another super day! {belches} Handyman Corner {Red walks into another room in the lodge.} RED GREEN: What anyone doesn't understand about men's night on the mountain is that you get to a certain age where you're just not prepared to give up the creature comforts. So I thought I would take this week's Handyman Corner and show you how you can satisfy man's two basic fundamental needs: {holds up two fingers and points to them} number one, a comfy chair to sit on, and number two, junk food. So go on out to your grocery store and pick up your favorite snacks. {Red walks off. Wipe to a later scene. Red returns holding a bag of popcorn and pulling along a shopping cart filled with more snacks.} RED GREEN: {holds up popcorn} Just like this! Oh, yeah, and make sure you bring the cart with you, too. {pulls up cart} Don't worry about taking it with you. The store doesn't mind. {takes two bags of popcorn out of cart and tosses them on worktable} In fact, there's a cost in the cart– {sees cart about to roll away} Whoa! {grabs cart and pulls it close} Come back here! {continues to pull out snacks and put them on table} –in the price of the groceries. {cart starts rolling away again} Besides, if they– {sees cart rolling away and grabs and pulls it close} Oh, for gosh sakes! Floors are little uneven at the lodge here. Commercial bumper {Red reaches his hand out to Buzz, who is hanging upside-down by something. When Red touches Buzz, they both get an electric shock.} RED GREEN: {voiceover} If you're looking for reasons not to go bungee-jumping, stay tuned for Buzz Sherwood. Plot Segment 3 Segue: Garth Harble {Garth stands outside his house, wearing a neck brace.} GARTH HARBLE: Garth Harble here, animal control, {salutes} reminding you that wild animals can smell fear. 'Course, if it smells bad enough, why, they won't eat you. Hey, I'm alive. That's What Friends Are For {Red and Winston enter the room and walk up close to the camera.} RED GREEN: Well, you're gonna pay for this till the moon passes China. WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Oh, boy. She comes home from work, stressed to tears, and blubbers out the five words that no man understands: "I just wanna be held." RED GREEN: {shakes his head} And just because they were coming to the end of the break between "Wheel of Fortune" and "Jeopardy!", you tried to substitute a hug for a held. {shakes his head again} WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {also shaking his head} No. A little five-second hug? Don't you know that fifteen seconds is the absolute minimum for "I just wanna be held"? RED GREEN: That extra ten seconds is gonna be the difference between the couch and the garage. WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Oh, yeah, and forget all about the bed. Oh, yeah. And you know what? You coulda held her for fifteen seconds if you'd've just used your head. All you had to do was tilt her a little bit over to the side, and then you could've seen "Jeopardy!" right over shoulder! RED GREEN: You could've watched the whole half-hour, but you weren't thinking, were you? WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: No. So now, it's time for a quick fix, and the best thing is to claim that, {feels his throat} you felt a little something coming on, and you didn't want to pass the bug onto her. RED GREEN: Or, if you think you're up to the acting challenge, you could jump back with a startled look on your face and say, "Have you lost weight?" Visit With Buzz Sherwood Plot Segment 4 Red's Handyman Tips Adventures With Bill The Experts {Harold, Red and Edgar Montrose sit around a table in the lodge. Harold sits in a stuffed recliner while Red and Edgar share a two-person couch.} HAROLD GREEN: Welcome to the Expert portion of the show! On this week's Experts portion of the show, we have experts: {giggles} my uncle, Red, and his good friend, Edgar Montrose! {The audience applauds while Red and Edgar wave to them.} HAROLD GREEN: {taking out a letter} First letter goes as follows... All righty, uh... {reads letter} "Dear Experts, I took my children to a movie recently and I was disgusted by the language and the nudity. And that was just in the car beside us! The movie was far too violent for children or seniors or anyone who hasn't spent time in prison or the navy. How can we get Hollywood to clean up its act? Signed, Offended." RED GREEN: Well, I agree with this viewer. I'm telling you, my wife Bernice dragged me out to see that {sticks his thumb behind him} Mary Poppins a few years ago. Man! Talk about offensive! I thought I was gonna get diabetes! {shakes his head} They started singing that "Supercalinarcolepticextrahalitosis". I just about lost my Licorice Nibs! EDGAR MONTROSE: {nods} I'll tell you what's wrong with movies: they give the kids a false sense of reality. Like that movie Speed, when the bus blew up. You never get that much flame! They showed it as a big fireball, but a real bus explosion is all smoke and mirrors. I know, I was the mechanic at a bus company for a coupla days. HAROLD GREEN: Well, I would like to caution our viewer, there have been some great movies made that are both educational and uplifting. EDGAR MONTROSE: Yeah, in the old days, like The Bridge Over the River Kwai. Did you see that baby go up at the end? {throws his hands up} When that train went crashing into the river? Won an Oscar for Best Picture. But that one now, uh, Bridges of Madison County. {shakes his head} I waited for one of those bridges to go up, {throws his hands up} but nothin'! And I wasn't the only one disappointed; everybody in the theater was cryin' by the end. Movies today just don't deliver. HAROLD GREEN: I– I do have to disagree with you, because there have been some great films made. Y'know, like Forrest Gump, The Piano, Dances With Wolves– EDGAR MONTROSE: {snaps his fingers} I saw that one! Now, the native guy was okay; should've got the Oscar. But, the rest of it was a yawn. Now, what they needed there is one of the buffalo to get backed up with methane. {takes a cup on the table and runs hand over it} Or catch his hoof on a– on a– on a piece of flint {puts cup down} and go off like a big furry grenade! {throws his arms up} KABOOM! Talk about your burgers to go! Segue: Buzz Sherwood Plot Segment 5 Fun Facts Explanations *In the Word Game, Dalton tries to guess the word "castration". Castration is the process by which a male loses the functions of the testicles or a female loses the functions of the ovaries. Real-World References *During the Experts scene, Harold mentions Dances With Wolves, to which Edgar mentions "the native guy" in that movie. He was most likely referring to Kicking Bird, who, in the movie, is played by Graham Greene, who, of course, portrays Edgar on the show. *Edgar also mentions Speed, Bridge Over the River Kwai, and Bridges of Madison County. *During the same scene, Red mentions Mary Poppins, and Harold mentions, in addition to Dances With Wolves, Forrest Gump and The Piano.